JokeSS
Genius is someone who has IQ more than 180 and up or as many called it profoundly gifted. Not many people in this world can be labeled as genius and so far, I know Albert Einstein and Leonardo Da Vinci are the famous few.
With gifted ability, Bob seems like manage to figure everything out. Life become dull to him as he has nothing to look forward and no problem is challenging enough to excite him. He started to become arrogant and continue to ace every exam that possibly human can think of.
If the exam takes 2 hours, he only takes 10 minutes to complete with perfect score. Knowing this, a teacher suggests Bob to take an exam called Time Management. If he aced it this time, he will be exempted for any kind of test in future.
Bob is very excited. Not because he knows he can do well again but he loves the challenging sensation and the take of not needing to undergo the boring exam ever again. So, he agrees to sit in for the exam.
Like usual Bob get all the answers correct but he still flung the exam. He was really surprise and approaches the teacher curiously. The teacher commended that he is the first student who get all the answer correct but the test is not just about getting the answer right.
The teacher explained, “Bob, you fail because your handwriting turns from good to bad in the exam.” Bob surprise questioned, “But, you can still read it. That is why I got all the exam answer right!”
The teacher patiently responded, “Bob, you still didn’t get it don’t you? This test is all about time management. The gradual changes in handwriting from good to bad are the best evidence of poor time management.”
Lesson learnt: Not a single person in this world is perfect. Be thankful for what you have but always continue to learn new things to keep your brain active.
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Cricket is a bat and ball game. Not the Batman bat but it is club bat bat. Cricket can be traced back to Tudor times in early 16th century England. Oh yea it has a very long history, long before you and me.
The game is widely play in England, India, New Zealand, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, South Africa and many parts of the world. People talk about it like people talk about football.
Sometimes, people challenge each on cricket game to show the sign of sportsmanship, teamwork and checking who the best is!
When comes to check who the best is, Chinese always want to be part of the major society. So, they crashed into world community and wanting to challenge on cricket. They thought they are the best and have been playing with it since ancient Chinese dynasty era.
On the duel day, everyone come with their gears, bats, uniforms and ready to roll except Chinese. You wouldn’t believe that Chinese did not come with their sport gears but they bring a tumbler instead. Everyone is puzzled and the ambience turned into pin drop silence.
While everyone thought they are referring cricket as bat and ball game, Chinese thought it is a cricket (insects that produce chirping sound) fight..
Lesson Learnt: Get your facts right before challenging anyone!
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One fine day condom meets up with sanitary pad. Both of them fight like cats and dogs on who are more important. This is not the first time they are arguing about this matter but it just continues to go on and on for countless times.
While in a heated discussion, the conversation below was recorded.
Condom: I work in confine space and sometime in dirty place.
Sanitary pad: What so special about it, I work in bloody environment.
Condom: But I am guy best friend.
Sanitary pad: Well, I am girl best friend and sometime confuse guy like me too.
Condom: I work with health department to mitigate harmful diseases and virus infection.
Sanitary pad: I also work with health department to maintain female hygiene and preventing virus infection.
Condom: I have the capacity to contain fluids that potentially bringing another newborn.
Sanitary pad: I have bigger capacity to contain more fluids than you to prevent embarrassment.
Condom: I am quite trendy, come in different size, color, flavor and design.
Sanitary pad: Nothing to be proud of, I come with different thickness, color, design and more importantly bigger size than you.
Condom: Ok.. since you think you are the greatest. I shall stop operating for a month.
Sanitary pad: Well, the world will not miss you much as every time, you only get to work when I am not working.
Few months after that, sanitary pad bumps into condom. She looks rather down and upset.
Sanitary pad: I want to apologize. I don’t think I am the greatest afterall.
Condom: Why? I didn’t do anything, did I?
Sanitary pad: Yea, I know. After you stop operating for a month, I stop operating for the following nine months. Can you start working again?
Lesson Learnt: Like mom always said, “One mountain got one mountain high!” (一山还有一山高）.. it means, if you think you are great, there will always be someone greater than you. AND normally, I will rebelliously answer, ” What about mount Everest?” 
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Santa Claus is a mythical character who normally associated with Christmas. I still remember hanging my dirty old socks on the wall hoping that I will get candies the next day but disappointingly, the socks only filled up with Vit C tablets.
Mom successfully convinced me that Santa tries to eliminate the alarming level of diabetic every year. Therefore, as part of his resolution, he swapped candies with Vit C tablets instead.
Christmas never appears as what shown in the TV to me as I stay in house with no chimney, in an equator country that snow is close to impossible to produce naturally and not to mention, reindeer only appears in zoo. Ohh.. and the pirated Santa is either too thin or wearing a wig or sometime is black :p (just an analogy.. I have nothing against black).
When I reach my puberty (er.. like yesterday), whole story on Santa is completely faded off until I read found this poem while busy surfing the net. Yes.. I still google to locate where is Santa!
Now, I know why real Santa is long gone. Have a read .. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
‘Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed,
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I’ve busted my a** for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?
The old lady b**ches cause I work late at night,
The elves want more money–The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those ***holes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days–they all are the pits,
They want the impossible–Those mean little s**ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo’s–No request for them,
They want computers and robots…they think – I’m IBM!
Flying through the air…dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment,
I’ll sit on my fat a** and draw unemployment.
There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season
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Hospital is a facility where patients receive medical treatment, an institution where sick or injured people are given health or surgical care.
Lost in translation is inevitable especially when locals or doctors do not speak good English. This just happened to my friend, Bob recently.
Bob visited a local hospital in China few days ago. While waiting for his turn, a very hot lady doctor approached him in simple English and asked if he is alright. Replying with sign language, he pointed at his lower body as he felt uncomfortable throughout the whole night.
The doctor instructed, “Sir, can you take of your clothes?” Bob responded in flirty manner, “So fast? Why not we go for a date first?”
The lady doctor said, “No! That is not what I meant. If you did not take off your clothes, how can I check on you?” Bob naively asked again, “Here? Are you sure?”
The lady doctor sarcastically replied, “No of course, this is a waiting room. Go to that Examination Room 101.”
As soon as Bob entered Room 101, the doctor asked him to strip off and lay down on the exam table. The doctor started to touch almost every part of his body as a routine check.
Later, few nice looking lady doctors walked in the room and start to touch him after whispering with the initial doctor. This time they concentrated at his lower body and very close to his private part.
Bob felt slightly embarrassed and asked, “Why all of you start to touch everywhere on my lower body when my knee is not feeling so good.”
The lady doctor felt shocked and said, “I thought you meant your private part when you said your lower body is feeling uncomfortable, we suspected that you have ED and checking for the symptom”
Bob felt puzzled a while and jokingly said, “I can understand why you confuse as mine is nearly at knee length, many get confuse on that too. It is ok!”
Doctor said, “As much as you think yours is long, it is actually not. So, can we start treating your knee now?”
Lesson Learnt: If you read my post on Push or Pull ? you know, it may be shorter than you think. So, don’t be too proud about it.
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Alcohol beverages to westerner are like Chinese tea to Chinese. Excessive alcohol consumption will definitely get you in trouble.
It is either you are funding the cops indirectly when you drive recklessly or wake up with God knows who on your side not knowing what you did a night before.
Normally I don’t drink but rather enjoy witnessing human behavior especially when they are under a great influenced of alcohol.
Sometimes I do enjoy reading toilet sign in bars or pubs. TOILET SIGN? Oh yea. This one in particular is my favorite. Kind of wonder what does the second bullet means?
Apart from making a joker out of yourself, many great jokes are cracked when you are semi-drunk. My friend, Bob was very close to embarrass himself by wetting his pants in one of a rare occasion. It started like this.
Bob was in urgent need for nature call when he walked to a toilet. Trying to push the door, the door is locked. He waited patiently assuming that there is someone in the toilet.
10 minutes later, he tried but failed again.
Covering his private part as a sign of desperate need to release, he agitatedly asked for help, “Can you help me to ask if anyone in that toilet, I have waited very long and in the verge of exploding in my pant! I really don’t know what that person is doing in the toilet”.
Bob’s friend walked towards the toilet and pulled the door. The door opened and there was no one in there. He questioned Bob, “Is this some kind of jokes?” Bob responded innocently, “I thought I need to PUSH to open the door”.
Lesson Learnt: Always learn how to PUSH and PULL to ease yourself. Please don’t think negatively when I say this.
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Voice activation is not a new technology. Most of the devices are equipped with this function to simplify daily routines.
Imagine when you are craving for an ice-cream. All you need is just used your voice command and said “ice-cream”. Within split second, ice-cream appears in front of you.
Wow! That is a bit exaggerating and I don’t think that type of technology does exist yet BUT using voice command to operate certain device is not uncommon anymore.
Scene 1: Voice activated elevator
While on my way to go down to the hotel lobby, the elevator stopped at level 8 and one guy rushed in. Prior closing the door, I overheard another man shouted, “Wait! Wait! Wait!”
The first guy quickly pressed the close door button. The door closed and the second guy did not managed to board the elevator. I am slightly puzzled and started this conversation.
Me: Excuse me, sir. Do you know that guy?
Guy: Of course I do, he is my brother.
Me: I thought he asked you to wait?
Guy: Yeah, you are right but I am in the midst of an experiment.
Me: I am curious, what type of experiment that you are carrying out by pressing the close door button when your brother is asking you to wait.
Guy: I thought the voice activation function will override the manual command but clearly, this experiment prove otherwise.
Me: How did you know that this a voice activated elevator?
Guy: I don’t. I just want to avoid boarding the same elevator with him.
Me: …
Clearly, the elevator is not a voice activated elevator but I am dumb enough to believe that he is actually carrying out the experiment.
Scene 2: Voice activated spy cam
Recently, my friend just bought a spy cam to spy on his lazy maid. It is small, handy and user-friendly. One of the cool functions is voice activated recording.
If the ambience noise is exceeding 60db, the camera will starts to record. He excitedly placed the camera in hidden spot to candid his maid when he is not around.
When he returned home from long working days, he quickly grabbed the spy cam and downloaded the recording file. There were 3 files in total. The recording clips show:
1st file: When he placed the camera on hidden spot.
2nd file: When he left to work.
3rd file: When he returned home.
The voice activated spy cam is proven not intelligent enough to spy on the lazy maid. It ended up in dustbin.
Scene 3: Voice activated login password
Few of the software developers successfully developed software that uses human voice to login to the computer instead typing long passwords.
It is proven secured and without hesitation, I bought the software and gave it a try last weekend. What you need to do is to pre-record your voice once and the software will be calibrated according to your vocal cord.
So, I recorded this, “Log me in” as my login voice. It worked for the first few times until I have terrible sore throats. My voice changed into ‘froggy voice’.
Desperately, I need to login to my computer but after the third attempts, the computer responded, “Stop or I will kick you out!”
The software had been uninstalled from my computer ever since.
From the three scenarios, try to give it a guess, which one is based on true story?
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Long long before your time, marriage was not about finding your own true love. When you reached the age of puberty or in other words, when you grown up, everything will be “arranged” for you.
Parents will be extremely busy filtering the potential candidates, matchmakers will starts an excel spreadsheet on the availability of singles (I am just kidding on excel spreadsheet) and wedding planners will start to sharpen their knife to slaughter every possible wedding couples.
Ancient people believed that “Love is never about first sight, never about chemistry, never about mutual feelings but love can be cultivated through time”.
So, please expect that you might potentially marry a complete stranger that you never know he/she exists before.
This is slightly different if you are a princess from royal family. Normally, the parents will arrange a sort of tournaments and series of interviews to choose the cream of the cream to be the rightful son-in-law.
This was based on true story. A very “PHAT” princess just turned 18 (I am just guessing the legal age at that time is still 18 :p). The King summoned all the most eligible bachelors for a tournament and the top 3 will undergo the final interview with both King and Queen.
After the tournament completed, TOP 3 were chosen. King and Queen were very excited to meet their potential son-in-law. Everyone was very excited as well BUT the interview was conducted in Panic Room alike chamber, where literally nothing can go in or out.
The interview starts.
King: Tell me, what do you have to marry my lovely princess?
Candidate 1: I am talented in martial art, received PhD with highest honor, I am rich and filial. Everyone says I am the most eligible bachelor.
Queen: Very impressive, looks like my princess is a step closer to get his love one.
Candidate 2: Wait a minute, many people believes that I am the extinct fairy-tales alike guy. I am romantic, spiritually attractive, coming from well known and multibillionaire family.
Queen: Looks like we are going to have a very tough decision to make, my dear King. Both are equally good.
King: Let’s hear from third candidate first and then, we can choose the best of all.
Candidate 3: I have nothing close Candidate 1 and Candidate 2. I am not rich, I am not smart, I am not a fairy-tales alike guy but I have one thing they don’t!
Both Kings and Queens were very curious. Inside their mind, this guy was nothing as compared to other two.
King: Tell me what is that one thing you have they both don’t ?
Candidate 3: A kid.
Queen: A kid? Where is the kid? I want to see what so special about the kid.
Candidate 3: The kid is inside your daughter.
King and Queens puzzled for few seconds and ask the other 3 candidates to wait in an isolation room. Ten minutes later, the King officially announced that Candidate 3 will be his rightful son-in-law.
What happen to the other two? Both never see the sunlight again.. Why? Duh.. because the other two know the candidate 3 answer (royal secret) laa..
This is based on true story? Er.. I don’t think so, I am just pulling your leg
Lesson Learnt: i) You don’t need to be genius or handsomely rich, all you need is just right move at the right time.. ii) maybe this does not sounds right but when you find your right one, put “deposit” first !
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This post is the continuation from the previous one. If you miss it, please visit Translator – It is never an easy job (Part 1/2) to get the full pictures…
Scene 5:
After 30 minutes, the girl called again.
Lady 2 (C) : You must help me this time. I give him B***J*** since just now but he is still very soft. My jaw is very tired and I cannot do it no more.
Mr. A (C) : Pass the phone to him and let me ask if he want to call off.
Mr. Bob (E) : Mr. A, I need your help here.
Mr. A (E) : How can I help you when you are there doing it? I cannot possibly replace your position.
Mr. Bob (E) : No.. that kind of help. Can you help to get my best buddy Mr. Vi**** from nearest pharmacy?
Mr. A (E) : But it will be made in China. No pharmaceutical approval for this kind of medication here. It might cause your heart to pump too fast that you might ended up with cardiac arrest. You sure?
Mr. Bob (E) : Just go and get it. Afterall, I can eat half of it and it should also cut my heart rate to half too.
Scene 6:
Mr. A quickly rushed to the nearest pharmacy shop and asked for Mr. Vi****. The lady pharmacist looks puzzled. She seems to have million dollar question in her mind and here it goes.
Pharmacist (C): Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?
Mr. A (C) : Yes, go ahead.
Pharmacist (C): You looks very young and you already “cannot”?
Mr. A (C) : No la.. it is not for me. It is for my friend.
Pharmacist (C): Many people say the same thing when they buy this. You don’t have to be shy. I would suggest you to seek medical opinion as taking this at your age are not advisable.
Mr. A (C) : What do you mean I cannot? I can prove it to you and I am sure mine is as hard as steel rod.
Pharmacist (C): I have gone through this before. My advice is still the same. Please see doctor the soonest.
Mr. A (C) : Arghhh…. (Walk away)
Scene 7:
As soon as he returned to hotel, he passed the Vi**** to Mr. Bob. Then he safely returned to his room. Not long after that, Bob called again.
Mr. Bob (E) : I don’t know what happen but the girl just sit there. I ask her to take of her clothes, shouted at her but she still sit there. Can you speak to her please and ask her what she want?
Mr. A (C) : How come you just sit there? He asked you to take off you clothes.
Lady 2 (C) : How should I know? I don’t understand single words he said. So, I just sit there until he instructs me what to do.
Mr. A (C) : He is telling you to take off your clothes and do your work!
Lady 2 (C) : Ohh.. Ok.. No wonder he is so angry.
Scene 8:
This time, there is no phone call but Mr. A heard a knock on his room door. This time Mr. Bob, half nakedly approached Mr. A.
Mr. A (E) : What happen, Mr. Bob? Is everything ok? The Vi**** not working or the girl did not take off her clothes?
Mr. Bob (E) : No no. The Vi**** works fine and the girl did take off her clothes.
Mr. A (E) : Then what is the problem?
Mr. Bob (E) : The girl is too smelly! I suspect that she didn’t take shower for ages. I can still smell her urine when I lick her P****. Her teeth are yellowish and full with leftover greens.
Mr. A (E) : Then how can you allow her to give you a B***J**
Mr. Bob (E) : I cannot see. She either turn off the light or dimmed it..
Later, Mr. Bob decided to call off the deal and sent the girl back. Mr. A was very relief after that BUT he quitted his job the next day.
Remarks:
(C) – Conversation in Chinese
(E) – Conversation in English
Lesson Learnt: There is no job in this world that is easy. Every job has its own challenges and THE “moments”. You can either choose to stay or leave. That is your choice!
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